Pregnancy Loss and Isolation
The death of a loved one can be a deeply painful experience that impacts our physical, neurological, emotional, and behavioral well-being.
After a loss, we often find comfort in the support of loved ones or friends and by engaging in symbolic customs within our communities. These practices offer guidance during a difficult time and help to acknowledge and process grief associated with death.
However, not all people experiencing grief receive this type of support. While pregnancy loss is common, occurring in about 10-20% of pregnancies, people who lose a longed-for child often suffer in silence. There are many reasons why this might occur.
Our culture’s understanding of death often excludes pregnancy loss. Loss that falls outside of our typical recognition of death is disenfranchised grief, or, grief that is not openly acknowledged or mourned in a public manor due to social norms. Other examples of disenfranchised grief include the death of a beloved pet, losing someone to drug overdose, or the loss of an elderly person.
Society has acknowledged that pregnancy loss is something that “just happens” and is not meant to be openly mourned or shared within their community. Because of this, people may feel that their loss does not warrant the same amount of grief, they may question their valid emotional reactions, and choose to keep their loss private.
Currently, there are no traditional or ritualized ways of mourning pregnancy loss. Most cultures establish ways to mourn and memorialize the dead by engaging in rituals such as holding a wake, having a funeral, and burying the body or ashes in a cemetery. Without these culturally accepted templates in place to acknowledge and process pregnancy loss, grieving becomes difficult to navigate and may be kept private or avoided altogether.
People experiencing pregnancy loss may feel significant shame or guilt. This loss occurred inside of their bodies and thus feels more personal. This may result in blaming themselves for the loss, making it a more deeply painful experience. The blame and shame often prevents people from sharing their experiences and makes it difficult to process feelings of grief in a healthy way.
While we know pregnancy loss happens, it is not openly talked about. Because this type of loss is often kept private, people may think, “Everyone else seems to be having children without any problems, so what is wrong with me?” “I might be the only one going through this.” These conclusions can lead to further isolation as they lack the support of others going through the same experience and unintentionally normalizes the private grieving process of pregnancy loss.
Social networks and a partner’s reaction can complicate or invalidate the grieving process. Someone may feel less inclined to share their loss within their group of friends when their friends are seemingly getting pregnant with ease and giving birth without complications. The “ease” of their experience might deepen shame and isolation for those who experience pregnancy loss.
Additionally, the coping styles of a partner might complicate the grieving process. Many male-identified people internalize their feelings about pregnancy loss to avoid emotionally overwhelming their partners. However, they may unintentionally appear uncaring, or even invalidating of the immense grief being experienced.
Therapy provides a healing space for those suffering in silence to find the words for their unspeakable loss. During this time therapists can help people understand the many normal responses to pregnancy loss and validate the magnitude and complex nature of their grief. This type of work can benefit individuals coping with pregnancy loss as well as help couples process their grief and strengthen their relationship after the loss of a child.
If you have any questions or would like to further discuss pregnancy loss, please feel free to reach out to me.
