The Importance of Emotional Vulnerability in Relationships
When I first meet a couple, I often ask them to tell me about their friendship. I am curious to learn about how they met, what their lives are like, and certainly what they would like from therapy. I then tell them about what to expect in couples therapy and how I work, making sure I emphasize the importance of healing individually while in couples therapy.
I help explain this by asking them to think back to the last flight they have taken, when the flight attendants demonstrated how to put on an oxygen mask in case of an emergency, and thoughtfully reminding everyone to “please put your mask on before helping someone else.” This metaphor helps demonstrate that improving the relationship also means helping themselves too.
One of the most powerful ways we can heal ourselves in couples therapy is to learn how to show up as our most authentic selves. This requires a great deal of emotional vulnerability, not a simple thing to bring up, especially if our relationships are struggling and our emotional defenses are in place.
When you are emotionally vulnerable with your partner, you have the willingness and courage to “show up and be seen, even if you don’t have control over the outcome,” in the words of Brene Brown, a highly respected researcher whose work has highlighted the importance of emotional vulnerability in many areas of life.
Emotional vulnerability looks like being honest about how you feel, your fears, what you need, and telling your partner how you want your needs to be met. Getting to a place of intimacy requires you be you to be bare, an essential ingredient for intimacy, which can be so difficult.
But, I have seen emotional vulnerability empower individuals, and ultimately help couples work through major conflicts.
Emotions like shame, anger, and pain may make being emotionally vulnerable difficult and can become barriers to being emotionally vulnerable. For example, maybe you are afraid of rejection if you reveal your true self, so you try to be the person you assume your partner wants you to be. Shame makes it difficult to build a strong intimate connection when you show up inauthentically. But you can only maintain this façade for so long before your real needs start to stir up conflict, confusing both you and your partner.
Another potential barrier to being emotionally vulnerable may be anger. Anger may be unintentionally used as a protective emotion. You may not even realize that you use to hide a more difficult emotion to acknowledge, such as an emotional pain. It may feel safer to be angry, to feel on the offense and in control, than to acknowledge what is truly going on inside of you. This makes things complex and can push the person you love away, causing hostility and resentment between you.
When you are able to identify these barriers and work on healing them you will learn how to show up more authentically with your partner. And when you are able to be authentic with your partner, it helps build trust, among many other things. Letting your partner know how you feel and what you need will ideally come from a place of truth, which in turn helps foster a sense of trust, allowing you both to speak openly and honestly. This sense of trust helps can then bridge the distance that may have grown between the two of you.
This emotional work can feel uncomfortable, however being inauthentic robs you of the chance to get what you need from your relationship and can be driving force for disconnection. When the two of you have the willingness to be vulnerable in the most intimate of ways, you both communicate that the relationship is a safe space to love, learn, disagree, discuss boundaries, and grow together.
I have witnessed couples learn to show up as themselves without fear of rejection and shame, work through and heal past hurts, and honor each other’s needs and wants, all while strengthening on the respect, humility, and lovingness of the relationship. Emotionally vulnerability helps couples feel deeply connected as lovers, and most importantly, friends!
If you’d like to talk about increasing emotional vulnerability and authenticity within your relationship, feel free to reach out to me and let’s start the conversation.
